The rules of the teacher should be the only law. But everyone is always speaking of the daily football match while separated parts of the chorus are training alone. So I developed my own, silent set of rules to survive to general bad behaviors. I dig myself into a deep never responding silence, I open my mouth only when asked by the teacher, I try to listen always to whom is singing or training with the teacher, I adopt the absolute silence even if someone says directly to me something when we are still in lesson. The only rule is: no communication. Communication means not only the voice, communication means also every facial expression, eye gaze, nerv tension. I try to be so void that noone would ever speak to me again.
Last year I broke my rule 2 times, and 2 people left the chorus. These losses taught me never to broke again the rule, and today I was so depressed about general bad behaviors even during a new song briefing that I thought I would have left the chorus by the end of the lesson. Then I thought I could menace to leave if the people didn’t pay attention to the teacher. Then I thought I could ask the people to pay attention with gentle manners.
Then it was my turn to lead sing, so I tried to put all my thoughts inside my song words. I think I missed the song meaning, the words sounded different to everyone and I noticed baffled people. I could only hear my voice stronger than every other time as soloist, and I had to close my ears to avoid over exposure to high volume. I know this sounds funny. I know people are often laughing at me. This only makes me feel lonelier, and this only makes me hope in achieving enough skill to let the people understand all my unspoken words.
